The last Bush to town

27 September 2005

Isn't it a shame that the people best suited to lead nations don't want to lead nations? Instead you get egotistical megalomaniacs, whose personal interests routinely take presidence over the interests of their homeland or the rest of the world. Consider how many wars are fought to improve the popularity of a leader pre-election or to quell popular dissent.

Of course, most normal people are too sensitive to take the daily venomous criticism which goes with the role without experiencing remorse or self-doubt. And the requirement to constantly deceive is surely not for the decent.

Here, then, is the perfect profile for a world leader:

* Intelligent, but not too much so, otherwise he'll have too many ideas but not enough solutions
* Allergic to personal wealth or privilege
* Willing to tolerate others with very different beliefs and national institutions
* Willing to listen , admit when wrong and change direction when necessary
* Avoid politicising everyday issues
* Give benign experts more power and resources
* Do what's right rather than popular
* Shower at least once a day
* Never wear denim in public
* Play the harp during important meetings
* Sit at the controls of a tank in the middle of a circle of delegates at world summits, pointing the tank's gun at anyone who disagrees
* Make British beef the only legal beef in France
* Nuke Iceland

Simple really.

There endeth this blog. Stay tuned!

Google Search for Failure

Try this, the result is interesting!
go to www.google.com and do a search for: failure
It may change of course, but the #1 ranked result at present is interesting! (It's a well known USA Politician). As this key word (failure) would not naturally generate this listing, the google search engine provides this result courtesy of a rogue (or enlightened, depending on your view point) google insider or a hacker.

Conspiracy Theories and Bimbo Astronauts

18 September 2005
Whatever happens in the world, there will be an alternative explanation expounded by someone.
That someone may determine that the security services were responsible for some muderous act then piece together a phoney case as evidence. Consider the deaths of JFK or Diana, for example.
One enduring conspiracy/hoax was the first lunar landing. Conspiracy theories that are attractive or make some kind of logical sense like that are the most interesting. It's quite fun to imagine that no man has ever really visited the moon. I mean, if you look at the problems NASA is having now, it doesn't seem likely that they could ever have managed to put a man on the moon, does it?
A friend, who is a NASA scientist, was helping me repair the roof last week. Unfortunately all the tiles he replaced fell off. He did try to fix them but got too hot in the space suit and fell off the roof onto his head. Luckily he was fine. Well, no he wasn't actually. In fact, he's on a ventilator right now and I'm sitting by him, writing this on my laptop. I'm just going to lean over and flick a switch off, as a flat line on the monitor is less distracting. There.
Where was I? Oh yes. Just think how much American taxpayers' money would be saved if all NASA's activities were just computer simulations. Maybe it has already happened. Maybe an unknown software company - perhaps called Microshuttle - made their millions by pocketing the money that was supposed to have been spent on the real thing. Of course, NASA does have strong links with Holywood, so maybe they are in discussion right now. I'd certainly be in favour of this if the money were diverted to worthy relief work. Although space, the final front ear (whatever that means), does merit exploration.
Personally, I know that the lunar landing did occur, because if you use a powerful telescope, you can just see a flag on the moon. It's easy to spot as the old USSR flag is quite distinctive.
When I was a child, I used to think that there must be several dead cows on the moon because it takes a lot of practice to jump over the moon successfully. The Apollo rockets were coloured white and black - just like a Jersey cow. Makes you think, doesn't it? I mean, why weren't there any female lunar astronauts? A cow is female, but no female Apollonauts? Not right. Although, there are no toilets on the moon, so how would a woman cope? And, of course, even if there were, she'd need another woman to accompany her, and that would get too expensive. Anyway, she'd take off her helmet to refresh her make up and that would be that. The other problem is that the woman would not like the look of her space suit. It would make her bottom and hips look too big. She would make some alterations that would make the suit unstable on the moon surface. Besides, I have no idea whether the moon surface can cope with stilettos. Even if she sorted out her space suit, she wouldn't be able to decide which one to wear for the moon walk, eventually giving up and sulking in the lunar module, refusing to come out at all. 'I know it's the moon and all but white is not my colour. Anyway, the moon is white and the suits are white. If I walk more than two feet from the module I'll become invisible. Who's bright idea was it to make the suits the same colour as the moon, anyway?' And, of course, her male companion won't know what on earth (or on moon) she's talking about and they will spend the rest of the time arguing and achieve nothing. Right. Now I know why no woman has gone to the moon. Of course, if you're a woman, your view would be: 'Just think how much further on we'd be now if all the astronauts had been women'. And who am I to disagree? Who am I? Well, I know who I am... so maybe I'm allowed to disagree. Then again...
There endeth this blog. Stay tuned!

Funny Ducks and Laughing Germans

14 September 2005
Ducks are the funniest animals - it's official. Here is a world-wide webbed feet joke:
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
So they can stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
So they can stamp out burning ducks.
Recent research showed that Belgians thought that this was the funniest joke of hundreds shown to them. They also liked this one which was my personal favourite of the jokes reported:
An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote:“Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”
They also found that the Germans have the best sense of humour of all! Check out the website of this research for yourself, if you want: http://www.laughlab.co.uk
There endeth this blog. Stay tuned!

When Bush Comes to Shove

12 September 2005
I decided to write today's title before I decided on any content for this blog. The nice thing about Politicians is how easily they generate satire. As I finish this paragraph, I still have no idea what I'm going to say, but when I start the next an idea will have emerged.
Still waiting. I'll skip this paragraph. Obviously I was expecting too much of myself or went too early. If I'd written a bit more at the end of the first paragraph, I could have prepared for this moment and wouldn't be in crisis here. It's a bit like the first biscuit (cookie) in the pack - it's always broken. Well, okay, it's nothing like that. I'm more hopeful about the next paragraph. Wish me luck.
Good. A new paragraph and a fresh start. No, nothing. You obviously didn't wish me enough luck. I will need to abandon this paragraph and it's your fault.
Right. I'm ready this time. Before I start, though, some of you will be thinking that I am simply just being silly rather than not coming up with something funny about Mr Bush. I mean, how difficult is it to come up with something funny about Mr Bush? You probably think that I am a lazy writer and just free associate rubbish for five minutes a day to then have the cheek to churn it out as blog. How dare you? And look, you've wasted another paragraph.
Maybe the title is good enough as a 'stand alone'. Maybe qualifying it will diminish and cheapen it. Otherwise, I''l have to figure all this out:
What is Bush shoving? His 'man in New Orleans'? (or should that be shafting?)
Could it refer to his bypassing Capital Hill to appoint his UN amabassador? (A triumph for Bush-style ass-kicking if not democracy)
Does it refer to his favoured style of 'guidance' of world leaders through doors?
And why does he have to come to shove?
I have to admit defeat. I simply can't explain Mr Bush's behaviour. Although, when he decided to lead the investigation into the handling of the Crisis in the South himself, I did understand that.
In Britain, the tactic is to have a full enquiry (not in public) led by some faceless beaurocrat. It's all held behind closed doors, and everyone forgets about the issue as soon as the next scandal comes along. Certainly, in Bush's case, the next scandal will not be long in coming.
I've always thought that if a President is restricted to two terms in office, during the second term, the driver of restrained decision-making (winning votes) is removed. Surely this makes the second term a loose cannon's dream. In this case, a loose cannon in cowboy boots. Maybe I'm missing something.
My site stats tell me that most of my blog readers are American. All very pissed (off), no doubt. If you're a Democrat, consider this blog a vent for your frustrations. If you're a Republican, do you agree with me that Condi Rice would make an exceptional President? (I'm serious there. Can you imagine a President with her unique features which have never been seen in a President before? i.e. her sophistication and intellect? An articulate Republican President - can you imagine that? Go on, vote her in next. And if you're one of the two regular readers of this blog, Ms Rice, this is for you: Go for it, Girl! Then again, if she is elected, I'll have no material for this blog. Silly idea, forget it).
But please understand this: It's not that I don't not like Americans...
Just kidding. As my mother used to say - I'm just laughing with you, not at you.
There endeth this blog. Stay tuned!

Donald Ramsfart Exclusive

8 September 2005
Now an interview with Donald Ramsfart, again from the White House Newsletter:
White House Newsletter (WHN): What is your response to people who point out that you were personally responsible for supplying Iraq with weapons?
Ramsfart: Well, you see, it depends on how you look at it. Half of what I was involved with then wasn't in the public domain as it is now, that is to say that that information is privileged, if only for historical reasons.
WHN: What about the half that is in the public domain then?
Ramsfart: As it's already there, I don't need to repeat it.
WHN: How do you find the situation when you visit Iraq unannounced?
Ramsfart: I find that they didn't know that they didn't know I'm coming, or rather not not coming, because they didn't not not know first.
WHN: Meaning?
Ramsfart: I've covered the lack of that. Next pre-answer sentence with a question mark, please.
WHN: Why do you never answer questions clearly?
Ramsfart: I'm glad you asked me that. It's to do with the modern obsession with sound bites. I dislike sound bites of less than three hours.
WHN: What's your favourite colour?
Ramsfart: I don't have a favourite colour. Trick question, right? I mean, there are certain colours that are off limits. If I said white, that would be a scandal. If I said black, that would be a scandal. If I said yellow, that would be rude. You see? Even pink is a bit risky, because white is really pink just as black is really brown. Even that's a bit iffy. Yellow, of course, if plain yellow. You see, you've got me into deep water. I'll skip this one. Another question please.
WHN: Is it true that red is your favourite colour?
Ramsfart: I think I've answered that. You just don't know it.
WHN: Do you respect the President?
Ramsfart: Very much. I was immensely impressed with Saddam.
WHN: Do you like the Iranians?
Ramsfart: Absolutely, without them, my job would be much less fun.
WHN: Meaning?
Ramsfart: Definitely. Next thing please.
WHN: Do you consider yourself a witty man?
Ramsfart: That will be for history to judge. I certainly hope that people will laugh at what I've achieved over the years in years to come. I know I do.
WHN: Will you retire soon?
Ramsfart: Good grief, no. There's plenty more fart left in this ram.
WHN: Mr Ramsfart, thank you.
Ramsfart: Thank you. You can't catch old Donald, I've been around the block a few times more before you were even thought about. And you didn't know that, because you couldn't have known that, as you were actually unknowable at the time, considering the reality that your existence was not a given as characterized by its complete absence at the time in question, that non-existence being an absolute as opposed to a partial truth.
There endeth this blog. Stay tuned!

Please Shout Quietly

3 September 2005
Arnie: I am more popular than you. That's a fact.
Bush: Ah, but I'm whole man. Not half machine.
Arnie: So am I.
Bush: No, I've seen you, in that documentary - about the future. I know what I'm talking about.
Arnie: That wasn't real. It was make-believe.
Bush: Now you're trying to trick me. The machine side of you. I'm sure the human side would take pity on me.
Arnie: No really, I'm real.
Bush: You couldn't possibly look like that if you were real. That face is just not possible.
Arnie: You're quite something.
Bush: Coming from a machine, I'll take that as a compliment.
Arnie: So what are you doing today?
Bush: I thought I might go paddling in the Mississippi. I brought my bucket and spade, so I can move a little sand. How about you?
Arnie: I've mobilised help from 30 different countries. I'm even driving an electric car.
Bush: Do you need a car? I though you just ran everywhere.
Arnie: How many times do I have to tell you, tell you, tell you, tell you. Abort 'tell you' loop.
Bush: You see? I was right.
Arnie: Just a leettle joke. I'm just as human as you.
Bush: Prove it. Fart.
Arnie: We're too beautiful to fart in California. Let me visit you in Texas.
Bush: What makes you think we fart in Texas?
Arnie: Everyone knows that Texans fart all the time.
Bush: That's ridiculous.
Arnie: Are you trying to argue you don't fart in Texas? No-one in Texas farts?
Bush: Well one or two people might, occassionally.
Arnie: Nonsense. How many times have you farted since you took up office?
Bush: Never.
Arnie: Of course you have.
Bush: Maybe once.
Arnie: Hundreds of times.
Bush: How do you know that?
Arnie: Public access to government files. The CIA keeps a record. There's 73 files. Only Clinton out-farted you.
Bush: How dare you. No Democrat can out-fart me.
Arnie: Oh no. You've let off another.
Bush: Well I, must be... Where's the oxygen? Pressure talking to you.
There endeth this blog. Stay tuned!

White House Newsletter

1 September 2005
I get a copy of the White House Internal Newsletter e-mailed to me each week. Technically, it's classified, but after seeing a White House employee's password displayed on a post it on his computer during a TV documentary, I decided to use their own computer system to generate my e-mail.
The Newsletter profiles a different employee each week, and the last one profiled the President himself. Here's an extract:
White House Newsletter (WHN): What's it like to be the man in the Oval Office?
Pres: Actuary, I don't get to go into the Oval Office. It has an expensive carpet and they won't let me walk on it in cowboy boots.
WHN: But you're the President. You can do whatever you want.
Pres: That's true outside the White House. Not inside. White House memos have to be taken seriously.
WHN: You got a memo about the carpet?
Pres: Yeah, a two sentence memo. I studied it for a week and I think I got the gist.
WHN: Who sent the memo?
Pres: The cleaner, of course. I like him. Calls everyone the Infidel, for some reason.
WHN: Wouldn't someone who speaks like that present a security risk?
Pres: I'll ask him when he comes back from vacation.
WHN: Where has he gone?
Pres: Aff, Aff-something.
WHN: Africa?
Pres: No, longer than that.
WHN: Afghanistan?
Pres: That's it! You're good at this. How did you know that?
WHN: What led you to believe that Iraq presented a Terrorist threat?
Pres: Consider the four letter word: Iraq. A great mind like mine could see right away that Iraq was concealing terrorists. All you have to do is remove the last letter and you get IRA. It's not rocket science, is it?
WHN: Does that mean Iran is concealing terrorists too?
Pres: I don't follow.
WHN: Well if you remove the last letter from Iran...
Pres: No, you've lost me.
WHN: How did you end up giving the top job to Ms Rice?
Pres: I was discussing it with an old friend, John Major. He's partial to Ms Curry, I'm partial to Ms Rice. Quite simple, really.
WHN: Simple but not very funny. Tell me about that incident with the pretzel.
Pres: Oh, you mean, the French President? How did you know that's what I call him?
WHN: What's your favorite color?
Pres: I like that.
WHN: What?
Pres: The guy writing this is British, but because we're not, he used American spellings there.
WHN: What are you talking about?
Pres: Never mind. Where were we?
WHN: Your favourite colour.
Pres: Ah, very clever, you changed it that time. Now the spelling's wrong.
WHN: Actually, it's right.
Pres: No, he spelled it wrong.
WHN: No he spelled it right, for him.
Pres: No, you don't understand.
WHN: Actually, I do understand. You've made your viewpoint on the world very clear.
Pres: At last, I've made something clear. Anything else?
WHN: No, I think what you've just shown me summarises everything else I could ask. Thank you so much, Sir.
Pres: A pressure to talk with you.
More from this interview later.
There endeth this blog. Stay tuned!