It's a wrap 3: The Nightmare Continues

29 July 2005
More trivia from the weekend film shoot.
There was one person making copious notes and checking the monitor continuously. Whatever she was doing, her role appeared to require very short hair. The continuity person, I soon realised, when she quietly appeared beside me and said 'Stop ageing so fast, it's ruining the continuity'.
As an extra, I had to learn the art of sipping without reducing the level of my drink and talking naturally without making sound. I gradually got used to it, although my female 'partner' kept talking over me. I decided that she must be a good actress to be so realistic. Judging by her body language, whatever I was saying must have been very interesting. Because I had to avoid drinking, I tilted the glass very very slowly towards my mouth. I shall now watch background drinkers in movies more closely to see if they are doing the same thing. If they're not, then as my acting ability does not extend to glass-tilting, the only part I should now audition for is a dead body.
As we did numerous takes, I began to amuse myself with 'unsuitable' comments. If my lips are in focus and a lip reader looks at them in the completed film, we're in trouble. No-one will notice, then, unless pigs learn to fly.
You're not going to believe this, but as I typed the last sentence, a police helicopter flew over the house.
Another thing that hadn't really occurred to me when I wrote it, is that a chip packet does not respond well to repeated scrunching and unwrapping when you film the same scene again and again. While we did use several chip packets, they did become somewhat the worse for wear. If you deduce from this that my script was not exactly Art House, shame on you for thinking that I would stoop so low as to do Art House.
If I was an Art House writer, I wouldn't get the fact that my 'police helicopter' paragraph is not believable. Well you didn't believe it, did you? Art House writers suspend disbelief when they re-read their scripts but no-one else does when they watch it. Not that I dislike Art House, I'm just being satirical.
I was delighted to see that they used a clapper board in our production. Our director doesn't always use them. For me, the clapper board is as organic to film-making as the striped pole outside a barber's shop. One without the other is unthinkable. Could you imagine Britain without a monarchy? You could? Bush without a speech writer, then. No-one could imagine that, although it's fun to try. Yeah, okay, I'll try:
"Good Evening Ladies, Gentlemen and... Nope, that's covered it. In Texas we have a saying. It goes like this. A bird with the Bush is worth two in the hand. Basically, that means you can't beat about the Bush. I'm a religious man, you see - burning bush, see where I'm coming from? - I'm born again. I was born again five years ago. So I'm now five years old. Kinda cute. My teacher's pleased with my reading. Says I've the abilities of someone twice my age."
To redress the balance, here's Blair without a speech writer:
"Am I on? Hi, it's me, your sincere friendly neighbourhood prime minister chappy. Y'know, it would be easy for me to stand here and say I'm standing here, but y'know, look at the facts. What? Yes, okay, I'm seated, but just look at the facts."
That was fun. A running feature, I think.
More to come, but that's all for now.
There endeth this blog. Stay tuned!