Conspiracy Theories and Bimbo Astronauts

18 September 2005
Whatever happens in the world, there will be an alternative explanation expounded by someone.
That someone may determine that the security services were responsible for some muderous act then piece together a phoney case as evidence. Consider the deaths of JFK or Diana, for example.
One enduring conspiracy/hoax was the first lunar landing. Conspiracy theories that are attractive or make some kind of logical sense like that are the most interesting. It's quite fun to imagine that no man has ever really visited the moon. I mean, if you look at the problems NASA is having now, it doesn't seem likely that they could ever have managed to put a man on the moon, does it?
A friend, who is a NASA scientist, was helping me repair the roof last week. Unfortunately all the tiles he replaced fell off. He did try to fix them but got too hot in the space suit and fell off the roof onto his head. Luckily he was fine. Well, no he wasn't actually. In fact, he's on a ventilator right now and I'm sitting by him, writing this on my laptop. I'm just going to lean over and flick a switch off, as a flat line on the monitor is less distracting. There.
Where was I? Oh yes. Just think how much American taxpayers' money would be saved if all NASA's activities were just computer simulations. Maybe it has already happened. Maybe an unknown software company - perhaps called Microshuttle - made their millions by pocketing the money that was supposed to have been spent on the real thing. Of course, NASA does have strong links with Holywood, so maybe they are in discussion right now. I'd certainly be in favour of this if the money were diverted to worthy relief work. Although space, the final front ear (whatever that means), does merit exploration.
Personally, I know that the lunar landing did occur, because if you use a powerful telescope, you can just see a flag on the moon. It's easy to spot as the old USSR flag is quite distinctive.
When I was a child, I used to think that there must be several dead cows on the moon because it takes a lot of practice to jump over the moon successfully. The Apollo rockets were coloured white and black - just like a Jersey cow. Makes you think, doesn't it? I mean, why weren't there any female lunar astronauts? A cow is female, but no female Apollonauts? Not right. Although, there are no toilets on the moon, so how would a woman cope? And, of course, even if there were, she'd need another woman to accompany her, and that would get too expensive. Anyway, she'd take off her helmet to refresh her make up and that would be that. The other problem is that the woman would not like the look of her space suit. It would make her bottom and hips look too big. She would make some alterations that would make the suit unstable on the moon surface. Besides, I have no idea whether the moon surface can cope with stilettos. Even if she sorted out her space suit, she wouldn't be able to decide which one to wear for the moon walk, eventually giving up and sulking in the lunar module, refusing to come out at all. 'I know it's the moon and all but white is not my colour. Anyway, the moon is white and the suits are white. If I walk more than two feet from the module I'll become invisible. Who's bright idea was it to make the suits the same colour as the moon, anyway?' And, of course, her male companion won't know what on earth (or on moon) she's talking about and they will spend the rest of the time arguing and achieve nothing. Right. Now I know why no woman has gone to the moon. Of course, if you're a woman, your view would be: 'Just think how much further on we'd be now if all the astronauts had been women'. And who am I to disagree? Who am I? Well, I know who I am... so maybe I'm allowed to disagree. Then again...
There endeth this blog. Stay tuned!