Austen tea party

Yes, I continue with my parody inspired by Jane Austen. See the 'Austen Allegro' entry for the start of this tale. This is the last installment for now, maybe more later. Leave a message to tell me what you think.

mr mcdaresay: If you really fancy her, snog ‘er.
lizzie: That she has spoken from her heart is not in doubt. But etiquette precludes that such passions might reasonably be demonstrated in the presence of gentlemen.
mr mcdaresay: (to Amie) You’re off the hook. Mind you, she’s young, probably just wants tae experiment. Wouldnae read too much into it.
amie: My dear Mr Eastly, I do wager that as I am the primary object of Elizabeth’s fancies and fantasy, that you would be fortuitous and indeed well advised to reassess your erstwhile intent to be wed to such as she. By way of compensation, I do most humbly offer myself to you as the next in line to your hand and the most desirous of booby prizes. Verily must I insist that you do take me as thy dutiful and most affectionate servant until such times as I do most bounteously push up daisies.
mr eastly: My dear Amie, you are indeed of generous heart and mind, but I would beg to assert that you yourself are not disinclined towards those very passions to which you refer. If I may be so bold as to say such, I would venture that I would not be far from the mark were I to contend that you and I share much in terms of that which we may wish to achieve with Lizzie within the not so distant future.
mr mcdaresay: Poor Lizzie.
amie: But Sir, ‘though it pains me to disclose what now follows, disclose it I must, as it is evident that you have reached the wrong conclusion. Consistent with what you have witnessed, I had become increasingly cogniscent over recent passages of days and weeks that my dear cousin Elizabeth is as you now find her. It had been my hope that, in a manner of speaking, she may be ambidextrous. But, I fear, the hand that does reach for women is much the dominant force as the other hand has never been raised in action, nor will it. In order that dear Lizzie does not commit the folly of marriage to one she cannot fulfil, I found it necessary to play out a charade. I must now confess that I have no such passions. I have always, and always will, find men of the opposite sex most beguiling to my most intimate and private senses.
mr eastly: Indeed I find this most heartening, that one as fair as you might consider myself worthy of your fantasies.
lizzie: I do beseech you all to listen to what I must now disclose. ‘Though my fever worsens, I feel quite breathless and dizzy, and I will most certainly die within the next half hour, you must hear me out. Many of you are aware that I am widely read and exceptionally educated. Perhaps less are aware that I have studied the learned pamphlets of the celebrated Ziggy Freund of Berlin.
mr eastly: But these pamphlets were banned by the church and the State. Their continued possession is considered treasonous. Those who confess to holding them must be hanged.
lizzie: Yes I know. But the point is, Freund has studied the dark art of seduction and has found that demonstrations such as that which you have witnessed are considered optimal practice when it comes to attracting a healthy male suitor. That which you witnessed was merely a lubricant to those male drives most essential to the happy consummation of marriage. Do not suppose, however, that what you witnessed was real. I have no more designs to lie with Amie than I have to be hanged.
amie: My dear dear Lizzie, by exposing the pretence you have nullified its effect!
lizzie: You confessed too.
amie: I was pursuing a different strategy.
mr mcdaresay: (to Amie) Your merry dance has imploded. But I gotta admire the devil in ya, eh? Anyway, we’d better fuck off. We’ve streets to buy and peasants to compensate. Come on, ya deluded twat. Dinnae mind. Ye shall be married to that wee tart after a’.
mr eastly: (bows) Ladies.
the men depart.
lizzie: How dare the others leave us without a chaperone in the company of gentlemen. I feel quite violated.
amie: Do not worry, my dear, by your estimation, you have no more than a few minutes to live. It might therefore follow that you have other concerns.
lizzie: I am not prepared to die until I have tested my lover’s commitment. Are you committed to me, Amie?
amie: You do not need to continue the pretence.
lizzie: I was attempting to be of a humorous disposition. I can only regret that my utterance was not countenanced as such. I am no more attracted to you than the world is round.
amie: Indeed my dear Lizzie.
lizzie: Nor am I the slightest ill. It is but a simple and effective device. Playing the sick role draws men to me like bees to the honey pot.
amie: Methinks we are not dissimilar. I have resolved that I must unleash more demonic skulduggery than you have yet witnessed to secure the affections of the slippery but beautiful Mr McDaresay. I will have him that I might feast upon his soul.
lizzie: Quite so. Tea?

Austen Translation

My homage to Jane Austen continues. This episode is the start of scene 2, the last two blogs being two halves of scene 1. The start of this epic is in the blog 'Austen Allegro' if you want to read from the beginning. This work is copyright.

SCENE 2
lights up. Drawing room. music fades. jane brushes amie’s hair.
AMIE: Is he not the most divine creature?
JANE AUSTEN: He has some admirable qualities but his outspoken manner and idiosyncratic use of language might suggest that he lacks a certain degree of refinement.
amie: What is that enchanting adverb that he uses so freely?
JANE AUSTEN: ‘Fucking’ my dear Amie. I have no idea what it means.
amie: Nor I. My almanac contains no such poetry. I even checked whether it started with ‘P H’.
JANE AUSTEN: I believe it may be a colloquial term for ‘jolly good’ but I could not be sure as at other times it seemed closer to ‘undoubtedly’.
amie: We must ask him. I feel sure its meaning must be quite delightful.
JANE AUSTEN: For a man from the North, he has left quite an impression on you, my dear.
amie: It is my intention to act carefully upon him to unlock and harness his various and varied urges. So unleashed I will, once he is putty in my hands, manipulate him mercilessly into my most devoted follower and obedient slave. I will have him. And I will devour him.
JANE AUSTEN: Oh my dear Amie, you are quite putting me off my brushing. It would appear that he has lit a flame deep within you. A flame, I fear, no carefully chosen words from me or any other mortal will extinguish.
amie: We must plot, my dear Jane. We must plot furiously and fiendishly, so I might not be disappointed.
JANE AUSTEN: I can see that your passion would accept no lesser prescription.
amie: What shall we do?
JANE AUSTEN: One must consider all possibilities. Under such conditions violent methods cannot be excluded. They do not however represent a reasonable starting point.
amie: Quite so.
JANE AUSTEN: You must make him jealous. Jealousy is a powerful emotion. It turns grown men into apes. They are reduced to hapless puppets that must suckle from the bosom of lust. From you, my dear Amie.
mortan, the butler enters.
amie: (to Mortan) Goodness, I thought you were dead.
MORTAN: My brother is dead, Ma’m. I am quite alive.
JANE AUSTEN: He took Mortan’s job.
amie: Oh. What is your name?
mortan: Mortan. Lady Frisby-Smythe, Mr McDaresay and Mr Eastly are here Misses.
JANE AUSTEN: Send them in, dear, remarkably similar, Mortan.
lady f-s, eastly and mcdaresay enter. the butler exits.
amie: May I comment upon the finery of your breeches Mr Eastly? You cut a dashing figure if I might say so.
mr eastly: Indeed you may, thank you dear Amie.
amie: A veritable fucking fine cut, my dear Sir.
mr eastly: Thank you, indeed. I have a sterling tailor, I’ll warrant. Best in Saville Row.
amie: And the way the light catches your face. More beautiful than Michelangelo’s David, my dear beautiful Finchley.
mr eastly: I am indeed flattered, my dear lady.
amie: You have muscles on your chest, Mr Eastly, and your arms and legs. You are a man, are you not?
mr eastly: I would venture that I am indeed that, my beautiful lady.
amie: Very that, if I might be so bold, Mr beautiful Eastly.
mr mcdaresay: Hold it right there, eh? He’s spoken for, ya wee hussie.
lady f-s: I am sure she meant no harm. She is but an innocent child.
amie: Why, does it offend you that I behave thus, Mr McDaresay? Perhaps you would wish similar representations upon your own deportment?
mr mcdaresay: I dinnae. I’ve a’ready got ma wee scrubber. I dinnae need any interest fae you. And you shouldnae hae any interest in him. It’s no right.
JANE AUSTEN: Might I observe that Amie is herself the prettiest picture today?
mr eastly: Indeed you might.
mr mcdaresay: Where’s Lizzie got to anyway?
JANE AUSTEN: I fear she has the vapours but she will be upon us shortly.
amie: Lady Frisby-Smythe, have you set a date to be married?
lady f-s: We have, my dear. It is but three weeks hence.
amie: But that cannot be.
lady f-s: Does the date trouble you?
amie: It certainly focuses my intent. Mr McDaresay, do you consider Mr Eastly’s judgement wanting when he declares a picture pretty?
mr mcdaresay: He said Jane wis entitled to say so. He made nae judgement.
JANE AUSTEN: Is she not a pretty picture, Mr McDaresay?
mr mcdaresay: She’s flesh and blood like you or me. She’s no a picture, and if she’s no a picture, she cannae be a pretty one.
lizzie enters.
JANE AUSTEN: Come, Lady Frisby-Smythe, I must show you our new fillies. I confess that when Lizzie is acting thus, I favour not her company.
jane and lady f-s depart.
mr eastly: Are you well, my love?
lizzie: No, I am decidedly not. My temperature may not be raised but I have quite the worst fever. I am weak to the point of exhaustion. To be standing here at all is a testimony to my supreme strength of character.
mr eastly: Indeed it is.
lizzie: I do sincerely hope that if we cannot be wed, you will speak fondly of me at my funeral.
mr eastly: I will, my dear dear Lizzie.
lizzie: But why do you speak thus? Do you consider me at death’s door?
mr eastly: I can only be guided by your verbal emissions.
lizzie: But I am, I am at death’s door.
mr mcdaresay: Dinnae worry, lass, the door’s locked and ya havenae got the key.
AMIE: My beautiful Elizabeth, your pale and delicate complexion charms my very soul. Verily, you are a sight to behold. You do warm this woman’s passions and fill me with a desire that I dare not speak.
lizzie: I have oft looked fondly upon you, my dear dear dear Amie. I had hoped but never dared to imagine that you might feel even the most slender reciprocation.
amie: If I were yours, I would never again be the apple of a man’s eye. But until that time any man, qui a cause de la convoitise, veux regarder aux vallées de ma poitrine, stands advised that time waits for no man.
mr eastly: Am I to understand that any man who, driven by lust, wishes to look into the valleys of your bosoms, is running out of time as you are about to turn to the fairer sex?
amie: Indeed.
mr eastly: But if dear Lizzie is the object of your affections, an affection, it does appear, not unreturned, where does that leave me?
mr mcdaresay: Fucked.
amie: There is but one man in this room with the power to reverse my misdirected passions. Will he speak now?
Mr MCDARESAY: I dinnae ken what you’re up to but it’s no gonnae work.
amie: Sir, your hostility towards me will soon reverse. You may count on that.

Austen Space

I now continue with the next excerpt from 'Austen Allegro', my homage to Jane Austen (and others) as explained in the last blog. We rejoin the story as Mr Eastly and Mr McDaresay dual. A shot has just been fired.

lizzie: Mr McDaresay shot his musket into the air.
amie: He is a gentle and gallant man.
lady f-s: Oh dear, Mr Eastly has all the time he requires.
jane austen: His hand is tremulous, he can scarcely point his musket.
another shot is fired.
lady f-s: He has killed your butler.
mrs pottinger: That is so inconsiderate.
amie: Thank the Deity.
mrs pottinger: It took me a year to find good Mr Mortan. He did, however, give them my best muskets. I am not, therefore, unduly inclined towards distress at his untimely demise.
jane austen: I had not the slightest reason to suppose that Mr Morton was in a state of such profound melancholy so as to deliberately stand in the line of fire.
amie: ‘Though it greatly pains me to say this my dear dear Jane, I have no doubt that Mr Mortan would wish to be alive at this moment. I would find it of some considerable distaste to misrepresent the evidence so as to imply that his death was in fact, suicide.
lizzie: Was not Mortan previously in the employ of Mr Eastly?
lady F-S: Indeed that is so.
lizzie: Was he not therefore well acquainted with his inability to shoot straight, having witnessed his return from hunting trips on countless occasions empty-handed?
lady F-s: Quite so.
lizzie: Yet with such knowledge, he did choose of his own free will to stand in the line of fire. There can be no other conclusion than that while not necessarily being sure of his demise, he had every reason to anticipate it.
jane austen: Dear Amie, do not let your sweet innocence cloud your judgement. There is but only one conclusion.
mrs pottinger: We can only be grateful that his suicide has removed him from all the pain and suffering to which he must have grown only too familiar. God rest his soul.
mr eastly enters.
lizzie: My darling Sir, an ordeal such as that from which you now return is indeed unthinkable.
mr eastly: I have known more amiable passages of time, to be certain. A servant’s suicide at such close quarters offends one’s sensitivities profoundly. I do fear that my appetite has quite gone.
lizzie: You poor fellow, I must beseech you to eat.
mr eastly: Then indeed I shall.
mr mcdaresay enters.
mr mcdaresay: I’ve told his Mrs. I stuffed a few bob down her frock. The lass’ll no be short o’ bread in ‘er belly.
amie: We are in your debt Mr McDaresay.
lady f-s: Are you well, Sir?
mr mcdaresay: No bad. (to Eastly) Tell her then.
mr eastly: Mrs Pottinger, as sweet Elizabeth’s guardian, I humbly ask that you might consider granting me her pale and slender hand in matrimony.
mr mcdaresay: The point is, he cannae wait to shag her.
amie: Oh Jane, Mr McDaresay is indeed fresh air.
jane austen: But, I fear, to be betrothed to another.
mrs pottinger: Mr Eastly, I know of no better match for dear dear Elizabeth. You have my full and indiscriminate blessing. My child, if it pleases you, you may embrace him.
lizzie enthusiastically hugs mr eastly.
mr mcdaresay: Kiss her for fuck’s sake.
they kiss.
amie: Is not the cold and aloof Lady Frisby-Smythe wholly unsuited to the gallant Mr McDaresay?
jane austen: I do believe you are somewhat taken by the uncommonly common Mr McDaresay. Yet his heart belongs to another.
AMIE: Have you forgotten his theft of a glance at my reflected corporial elegance? He commented thereon shortly before Mortan’s suicide.
jane austen: Indeed, I would venture that he is not blind to your charms.
amie: Indeed. Very indeed. I feel certain that he must be mine. I will let nothing stand before me. I, dear Jane, will have him.
mr mcdaresay: Let’s drink tae future marriages.
mrs pottinger: I fear we will have to help ourselves. Mortan has not responded to my rings.
mr mcdaresay: He’s dead.
mrs pottinger: Indeed he is. When one juggles much, as do I, it is difficult to remember the more insignificant matters.
amie: To future marriages, Mr McDaresay!
mr mcdaresay: I’ll say aye tae that!
lights fade. chamber music.
(end of scene 1)

Austen Allegro

I have decided to post some excerpts from a play I wrote recently, entitled Austen Allegro. As the name suggests, it's a parody inspired by the work of, among others, Jane Austen. If you love/ hate/ think this is an outrage/ want to see more of it, please leave a message!

So here's the first five minutes of the script: (Please forgive the formatting - it pasted like this). The 'Jane Austen' character is just called 'Jane' in the script. Her name has been changed to Jane Austen here so that the text is keyword-rich for 'Jane Austen'.

harpsicord music fades. lights up. Jane, lizzie, amie, lady frisby-smythe and mrs pottinger share tea in the drawing room.

jane austen: Oh my dear dear Amie, I shall indeed burst if you do not finish your most fascinating account.
lizzie: Truly, I did not believe any man capable of an act of such unfettered abandon. I was of a mind to clutch my bonnet with both hands lest my hair stand aloft. But prey continue, my dear companion.
amie: And then it happened. Just as I sit by you now, he looked up and glanced at my reflection in the mirror.
jane austen: My dear dear Amie, how did you remain intact?
lizzie: I swear Jane, I might surely have fainted.
amie: I was obliged most urgently to bow my head and retain whatever modesty was yet remaining to me.
mrs pottinger: To be gazed upon by surely the most pecunious and thus eligible bachelor in Bath is not, I think, a trivial or desultory happening.
lady f-S: I do believe we will be seeing much more of Mr McDaresay. He is visiting his cousin here for some considerable months.
jane austen: Who, pray, is his cousin?
lady F-S: Mr Eastly. Effingate Mansion belongs to Mr McDaresay. Mr Eastly merely leases it from him.
lizzie: Mr Eastly, dear Mr Eastly. A man so pure and beautiful.
mrs pottinger: Indeed, my dear. And a man not disinclined to reflect affectionately upon your countenance, unless I be much mistaken.
amie: I would venture that the very ground which she walks upon does meet with his every desire for worship.
jane austen: Is he not calling this very afternoon?
mrs pottinger: Quite so, my dear.
lady f-s: Is he? Oh my. He is indeed a gentleman that cannot fail to steal a young lady’s heart. I have personal experience of it.
Mortan, the butler, enters.
mortan: A gentleman by the name of Mr Eastly is here to see you, Ma’m. He is accompanied by his, ah, companion, Mr McDaresay.
mrs pottinger: Show them in, my dear servant.
eastly and mcdaresay enter, butler departs.
mr eastly: Ladies, I am as ever enchanted. May I present my cousin, Mr McDaresay. Naturally, I would sincerely wish to apologise in advance of his opening his mouth.
amie: Delighted to meet you, Mr McDaresay.
mr Mcdaresay: Fuckin’ nice to meet all of you, eh?
mr eastly: I am most humbly sorry. It is with some regret that I am obliged to inform you that he is from that northern country characterised in all its simplicity by myriad midges banqueting heartily on disgustingly primitive savages such as he. On meeting my cousin, one quickly comprehends why Hadrian needed so hastily to build a wall.
amie: But surely there is room to embrace those such as he in Bath Society? We are not here chaste by London’s conservatism.
mr eastly: Bath, I fear, although undoubtedly a vessel not devoid of liberalism, cannot contain an entity such as my cousin ever prone, as he is, to excess.
mr mcdaresay: (to Amie) I saw you the other night. Some fuckin’ cleavage in that dress, eh?
lizzie: I say, he is quite jolly isn’t he?
amie: Will you be here in Bath long, Mr McDaresay?
mr mcdaresay: I’m buying some more houses and a bit o’ land. I already own half o’ fuckin’ Bath, and I thought I might as well own the rest, eh?
jane austen: Forgive me, Sir, but from where does your wealth originate? I must confess to having never heard of your family.
mr mcdaresay: I discovered there was copper under my allotment, eh? Everyone needs copper. Made a bucket-load.
amie: Sir, your intercourse is to Bath Society refreshingly uncomplex.
mr mcdaresay: Ya ken ma wee sweetheart, then?
mrs pottinger: Am I to presume that we are entertaining an ineligible bachelor? Who, pray, is the object of your fancy, Sir?
mr mcdaresay: Lady Frisby-Smythe, d’ya no ken?
mrs pottinger: (to Lady F-S) You?
lady f-s: I should venture to explain. I do only desire your enlightenment, as at present, you are as darkness, devoid of light.
mr mcdaresay: Gotta love the crap, eh? Go on.
lady F-s: It is not unknown to you that the continuity and integrity of my castle was severely compromised by the fire that claimed the mortal life of my late and dearly beloved.
mr mcdaresay: She cannae afford a new roof, eh?
lady f-s: There is indeed lofty wisdom there stated. We are to be betrothed.
mrs pottinger: I must at this juncture express my dismay that a good and true companion such as I was not acquainted of this conflagration hitherto.
lady f-s: Of polite society, you are the first to be thus informed.
mr mcdaresay: That’s right, eh? I’ve told a’ my mates. They think it’s barry me marrying a posh wifey wi’ a big castle.
amie: I too must express dismay. This is horribly and surprisingly unexpected.
mr mcdaresay: Aye, ye thought you were in there, eh? (to Eastly) Who’s the one you’re after then?
mr eastly: I fail to understand to what you refer.
mr mcdaresay: You couldnae stop talking about her in the carriage. Lizzie, was it no?
mr eastly: Sir, you are not a gentleman. I find her good name insulted. I demand satisfaction.
lizzie: Yes, I will, I will marry you Finchley.
mr mcdaresay: Hold on, lassie. First things first. He’s challenged me to a dual.
lizzie: Dear Finchley, do you think that is wise?
mr mcdaresay: ‘Course it’s no. You’d better marry him quick. I’ve been ‘round the block a few times, I can handle a musket.
mr eastly: Outside, Man.
eastly and mcdaresay exit. The women gather at the window.
lady f-s: I fear Mr Eastly has put himself in mortal danger.
lizzie: I am to blame for this conceit.
jane austen: Your flirtations of too many yesterdays will surely deliver a stark and final conclusion today.
amie: So will he die much loved. Hark, there they walk on yonder meadow.
mrs pottinger: I note with a not insignificant degree of disdain that Mortan has given them my best muskets. I trust they will handle them with due care.
lizzie: They are standing back to back.
mrs pottinger: They are striding apart. This is so exciting for one to observe.
a shot is fired.