Austen Space

I now continue with the next excerpt from 'Austen Allegro', my homage to Jane Austen (and others) as explained in the last blog. We rejoin the story as Mr Eastly and Mr McDaresay dual. A shot has just been fired.

lizzie: Mr McDaresay shot his musket into the air.
amie: He is a gentle and gallant man.
lady f-s: Oh dear, Mr Eastly has all the time he requires.
jane austen: His hand is tremulous, he can scarcely point his musket.
another shot is fired.
lady f-s: He has killed your butler.
mrs pottinger: That is so inconsiderate.
amie: Thank the Deity.
mrs pottinger: It took me a year to find good Mr Mortan. He did, however, give them my best muskets. I am not, therefore, unduly inclined towards distress at his untimely demise.
jane austen: I had not the slightest reason to suppose that Mr Morton was in a state of such profound melancholy so as to deliberately stand in the line of fire.
amie: ‘Though it greatly pains me to say this my dear dear Jane, I have no doubt that Mr Mortan would wish to be alive at this moment. I would find it of some considerable distaste to misrepresent the evidence so as to imply that his death was in fact, suicide.
lizzie: Was not Mortan previously in the employ of Mr Eastly?
lady F-S: Indeed that is so.
lizzie: Was he not therefore well acquainted with his inability to shoot straight, having witnessed his return from hunting trips on countless occasions empty-handed?
lady F-s: Quite so.
lizzie: Yet with such knowledge, he did choose of his own free will to stand in the line of fire. There can be no other conclusion than that while not necessarily being sure of his demise, he had every reason to anticipate it.
jane austen: Dear Amie, do not let your sweet innocence cloud your judgement. There is but only one conclusion.
mrs pottinger: We can only be grateful that his suicide has removed him from all the pain and suffering to which he must have grown only too familiar. God rest his soul.
mr eastly enters.
lizzie: My darling Sir, an ordeal such as that from which you now return is indeed unthinkable.
mr eastly: I have known more amiable passages of time, to be certain. A servant’s suicide at such close quarters offends one’s sensitivities profoundly. I do fear that my appetite has quite gone.
lizzie: You poor fellow, I must beseech you to eat.
mr eastly: Then indeed I shall.
mr mcdaresay enters.
mr mcdaresay: I’ve told his Mrs. I stuffed a few bob down her frock. The lass’ll no be short o’ bread in ‘er belly.
amie: We are in your debt Mr McDaresay.
lady f-s: Are you well, Sir?
mr mcdaresay: No bad. (to Eastly) Tell her then.
mr eastly: Mrs Pottinger, as sweet Elizabeth’s guardian, I humbly ask that you might consider granting me her pale and slender hand in matrimony.
mr mcdaresay: The point is, he cannae wait to shag her.
amie: Oh Jane, Mr McDaresay is indeed fresh air.
jane austen: But, I fear, to be betrothed to another.
mrs pottinger: Mr Eastly, I know of no better match for dear dear Elizabeth. You have my full and indiscriminate blessing. My child, if it pleases you, you may embrace him.
lizzie enthusiastically hugs mr eastly.
mr mcdaresay: Kiss her for fuck’s sake.
they kiss.
amie: Is not the cold and aloof Lady Frisby-Smythe wholly unsuited to the gallant Mr McDaresay?
jane austen: I do believe you are somewhat taken by the uncommonly common Mr McDaresay. Yet his heart belongs to another.
AMIE: Have you forgotten his theft of a glance at my reflected corporial elegance? He commented thereon shortly before Mortan’s suicide.
jane austen: Indeed, I would venture that he is not blind to your charms.
amie: Indeed. Very indeed. I feel certain that he must be mine. I will let nothing stand before me. I, dear Jane, will have him.
mr mcdaresay: Let’s drink tae future marriages.
mrs pottinger: I fear we will have to help ourselves. Mortan has not responded to my rings.
mr mcdaresay: He’s dead.
mrs pottinger: Indeed he is. When one juggles much, as do I, it is difficult to remember the more insignificant matters.
amie: To future marriages, Mr McDaresay!
mr mcdaresay: I’ll say aye tae that!
lights fade. chamber music.
(end of scene 1)