Don't Stop the Carnivore

8 August 2005
In the Scottish hills, wherein I reside, lerks a little mosquito-like creature known as the midge. Bob Geldof is well acquainted with the Scottish Midge, having met him first in Vienna. It means nothing to him to step on this little Midge and steal the limelight but the Midge, Ure well aware, will bite back. Mind you, no Midge would risk biting Bob Geldof, through fear of Ultrapox.
Yes, the midge is a biting insect. The bite is nothing like as itchy as the mosquito bite. Nor does the midge carry any dangerous diseases. Yes, I'm proud to say I've been bitten by both.
Indeed in Scotland, given that these little creatures suck blood, the midge is more at risk from the human than vice-versa. There must be several midges flying well over the legal limit on a Saturday night. Having watched them fly in random circles when sober, I hate to think what happens after a big sook from a boozer. Perhaps that explains how so many of them fly into the windscreen.
I'm not an expert on these creatures, but I have noticed that they only bite at certain points during their life cycle. A bit like women then, this periodic midge sooking (PMS).
The hugely popular TV Series, Monarch of the Glen, was filmed in and around where I live. Golly, I hear you say, as you name the fun-loving, wise-cracking, joker in the series. (The miserable persona was just his brilliant comic acting).
Talk to any of the film crew and they'll tell you their number one problem was... yep, that pesky little midge. Trying to keep these little creatures away from actors and crew and out of shots was nigh on impossible. They probably doubled the cost of the shoots. (They're so small, you keep missing when you point a gun at them).
Under the right conditions, they can multiply like crazy. (9x3, 6X4, 7X6 etc.) These multiplication conditions relate to the right mix of dry, wet and warmth. Having, presumably had such optimal conditions prior to my visit, I was once prevented from climbing a hill next to Loch Lomond (Ben Lomond) as the midges were so dense that you needed to breathe through a mask. I was wearing a black fleece and looking down, it had become grey, covered with thousands of the little fellows. Thankfully, they were not at the biting stage of their life cycle, but I had to abandon the climb as the density failed to reduce as we climbed.
Just in case you're wondering, I do work for the Scottish Tourist Board.
There endeth this blog. Stay tuned!