Austen Translation

My homage to Jane Austen continues. This episode is the start of scene 2, the last two blogs being two halves of scene 1. The start of this epic is in the blog 'Austen Allegro' if you want to read from the beginning. This work is copyright.

SCENE 2
lights up. Drawing room. music fades. jane brushes amie’s hair.
AMIE: Is he not the most divine creature?
JANE AUSTEN: He has some admirable qualities but his outspoken manner and idiosyncratic use of language might suggest that he lacks a certain degree of refinement.
amie: What is that enchanting adverb that he uses so freely?
JANE AUSTEN: ‘Fucking’ my dear Amie. I have no idea what it means.
amie: Nor I. My almanac contains no such poetry. I even checked whether it started with ‘P H’.
JANE AUSTEN: I believe it may be a colloquial term for ‘jolly good’ but I could not be sure as at other times it seemed closer to ‘undoubtedly’.
amie: We must ask him. I feel sure its meaning must be quite delightful.
JANE AUSTEN: For a man from the North, he has left quite an impression on you, my dear.
amie: It is my intention to act carefully upon him to unlock and harness his various and varied urges. So unleashed I will, once he is putty in my hands, manipulate him mercilessly into my most devoted follower and obedient slave. I will have him. And I will devour him.
JANE AUSTEN: Oh my dear Amie, you are quite putting me off my brushing. It would appear that he has lit a flame deep within you. A flame, I fear, no carefully chosen words from me or any other mortal will extinguish.
amie: We must plot, my dear Jane. We must plot furiously and fiendishly, so I might not be disappointed.
JANE AUSTEN: I can see that your passion would accept no lesser prescription.
amie: What shall we do?
JANE AUSTEN: One must consider all possibilities. Under such conditions violent methods cannot be excluded. They do not however represent a reasonable starting point.
amie: Quite so.
JANE AUSTEN: You must make him jealous. Jealousy is a powerful emotion. It turns grown men into apes. They are reduced to hapless puppets that must suckle from the bosom of lust. From you, my dear Amie.
mortan, the butler enters.
amie: (to Mortan) Goodness, I thought you were dead.
MORTAN: My brother is dead, Ma’m. I am quite alive.
JANE AUSTEN: He took Mortan’s job.
amie: Oh. What is your name?
mortan: Mortan. Lady Frisby-Smythe, Mr McDaresay and Mr Eastly are here Misses.
JANE AUSTEN: Send them in, dear, remarkably similar, Mortan.
lady f-s, eastly and mcdaresay enter. the butler exits.
amie: May I comment upon the finery of your breeches Mr Eastly? You cut a dashing figure if I might say so.
mr eastly: Indeed you may, thank you dear Amie.
amie: A veritable fucking fine cut, my dear Sir.
mr eastly: Thank you, indeed. I have a sterling tailor, I’ll warrant. Best in Saville Row.
amie: And the way the light catches your face. More beautiful than Michelangelo’s David, my dear beautiful Finchley.
mr eastly: I am indeed flattered, my dear lady.
amie: You have muscles on your chest, Mr Eastly, and your arms and legs. You are a man, are you not?
mr eastly: I would venture that I am indeed that, my beautiful lady.
amie: Very that, if I might be so bold, Mr beautiful Eastly.
mr mcdaresay: Hold it right there, eh? He’s spoken for, ya wee hussie.
lady f-s: I am sure she meant no harm. She is but an innocent child.
amie: Why, does it offend you that I behave thus, Mr McDaresay? Perhaps you would wish similar representations upon your own deportment?
mr mcdaresay: I dinnae. I’ve a’ready got ma wee scrubber. I dinnae need any interest fae you. And you shouldnae hae any interest in him. It’s no right.
JANE AUSTEN: Might I observe that Amie is herself the prettiest picture today?
mr eastly: Indeed you might.
mr mcdaresay: Where’s Lizzie got to anyway?
JANE AUSTEN: I fear she has the vapours but she will be upon us shortly.
amie: Lady Frisby-Smythe, have you set a date to be married?
lady f-s: We have, my dear. It is but three weeks hence.
amie: But that cannot be.
lady f-s: Does the date trouble you?
amie: It certainly focuses my intent. Mr McDaresay, do you consider Mr Eastly’s judgement wanting when he declares a picture pretty?
mr mcdaresay: He said Jane wis entitled to say so. He made nae judgement.
JANE AUSTEN: Is she not a pretty picture, Mr McDaresay?
mr mcdaresay: She’s flesh and blood like you or me. She’s no a picture, and if she’s no a picture, she cannae be a pretty one.
lizzie enters.
JANE AUSTEN: Come, Lady Frisby-Smythe, I must show you our new fillies. I confess that when Lizzie is acting thus, I favour not her company.
jane and lady f-s depart.
mr eastly: Are you well, my love?
lizzie: No, I am decidedly not. My temperature may not be raised but I have quite the worst fever. I am weak to the point of exhaustion. To be standing here at all is a testimony to my supreme strength of character.
mr eastly: Indeed it is.
lizzie: I do sincerely hope that if we cannot be wed, you will speak fondly of me at my funeral.
mr eastly: I will, my dear dear Lizzie.
lizzie: But why do you speak thus? Do you consider me at death’s door?
mr eastly: I can only be guided by your verbal emissions.
lizzie: But I am, I am at death’s door.
mr mcdaresay: Dinnae worry, lass, the door’s locked and ya havenae got the key.
AMIE: My beautiful Elizabeth, your pale and delicate complexion charms my very soul. Verily, you are a sight to behold. You do warm this woman’s passions and fill me with a desire that I dare not speak.
lizzie: I have oft looked fondly upon you, my dear dear dear Amie. I had hoped but never dared to imagine that you might feel even the most slender reciprocation.
amie: If I were yours, I would never again be the apple of a man’s eye. But until that time any man, qui a cause de la convoitise, veux regarder aux vallées de ma poitrine, stands advised that time waits for no man.
mr eastly: Am I to understand that any man who, driven by lust, wishes to look into the valleys of your bosoms, is running out of time as you are about to turn to the fairer sex?
amie: Indeed.
mr eastly: But if dear Lizzie is the object of your affections, an affection, it does appear, not unreturned, where does that leave me?
mr mcdaresay: Fucked.
amie: There is but one man in this room with the power to reverse my misdirected passions. Will he speak now?
Mr MCDARESAY: I dinnae ken what you’re up to but it’s no gonnae work.
amie: Sir, your hostility towards me will soon reverse. You may count on that.