Submarines and Vegetarians

4 August 2005
I like to complain about things that are not right. So do you. I just don't get as annoyed as you do. Yes you do. I've seen you brushing your teeth. You wouldn't brush your teeth so aggressively if you weren't seething with rage at how unfair everything is. Take this blog, for example, you couldn't possibly be as brilliant as me and that is so unfair.
My first grievance to air is the poor weather in my country (Scotland). Even in the summer, it can be blisteringly cold, especially where I live, which is almost 1000 feet above sea level. Doesn't sound like much, but it snows here when it rains in most other places in the UK. If, like me, you believe in global warming, then you will understand this complaint: Some countries, having taken a dislike to my blog (Grandiose? Moi?) have determined to try to reduce greenhouse gasses so that I will freeze to death one particularly cold winter. Why can't they take pity on me and all agree to emit as much greenhouse gasses per head as the USA? I'd have them all over to my hot tub (currently a freezing garden pond) to celebrate. Obviously, being 1000 feet above sea level, a little rise in the ocean to submerge London would be no concern of mine. I'd just go into the submarine business. Although I'd have to learn how to see with my periscope.
From periscopes to horoscopes. Someone once said to me: "I don't believe in horoscopes or star signs. I'm a Libra, we tend to be like that."
Last week, I was having a pseudo-intellectual chat around the dinner table and someone said: "The thing is... Not all Jews are Christians". True enough, just as: not all vegetarians eat meat. They should of course. I mean, human beings are omnivores, not vegetarians. It's a bit like being born a bird then deciding to stop flying. And if you object to modern animal farming/slaughtering/ effects on the rain forest etc, then just raise your own chickens and look after them, spoil them, make them comfortable and very very happy. Then club them to death when you want to eat them.
There endeth this blog. Stay tuned!